asexuality and CRUSHING YOUR HEAD

Sometimes, arguing on the internet makes me feel like this guy:

But you know what? I do it nonetheless After all, I am only CRUSHING YOUR HEAD. Um. Anyway.

So, in between endless rounds of “Next Top Troll” posts (wow, now I can read all the obnoxious, ignorant stuff I usually skim over! Funzers!), Feministe has a post up about asexuality and social justice. I agree with the points the author is making – that there isn’t a single model of “healthy” sexuality, and that lacking a high sex drive (or lacking a sex drive entirely) doesn’t necessarily mean that a person is ill or broken. Absolutely! Sex-positivity doesn’t mean lecturing people about how repressed they are if they don’t want to constantly ride the bone rollercoaster. While this point has been made quite a few times before, it’s something that always bears restating.

That said, however, I am really bothered by some of the rhetoric used by asexual writers on the intertubez and elsewhere, and the framing of asexuals as an oppressed group (usually lumping them in with queers). In this article, for example, asexuality activist David Jay talks about asexuals and their relationships with queer organizations at colleges. Jay evidently sees asexuality as being on the queerness spectrum, but is frustrated with the focus on sexuality with these campus groups. That makes them “unsafe spaces” for asexuals, y’see.

Hmm…what are the words…you know, I think I actually have a .gif for this. Hold on.

OK, that was really mean. However, I don’t really give a fuck because it is really, really obnoxious to have someone tell people who are marginalized because of their desires that they should knock it off with the sexy sex talk because it’s making people feel somewhat uncomfortable. And hey, while we’re on the topic, let’s talk systemic oppression. I have heard some asexual folks say that they are oppressed because they are unwillingly sexualized. Yes, but do you think y’all are the only ones? I’m a sexual lady and I’ve been sexualized against my will, a lot. Just because I want sexual attention sometimes doesn’t mean I welcome it all the time. Fucking duh. And maybe people think you’re a weirdo for not wanting sex, and maybe they’ll try to armchair-psychologize you, but do asexuals have to contend with people confidently, comfortably saying that they’re all going to rot in hell forever and ever because of the particular orientation of their boning compass? Yeah, no. So, David Jay, fucking knock it off with the “the queers are oppressing me” bullshit. It’s incredibly offensive.

Do I think asexuals aren’t queer? Evidently some asexuals still have romantic feelings, and if those romantic feelings are in queermo configurations, then yeah, I would say such folks are obviously queer and have to deal with attendant oppression. But that oppression stems from homophobia, and I am going to go out on a limb and say that homophobic assholes don’t really care too much about the particulars of a queer person’s sex life and whether they are actively boning or not.

Despite what annoying 22-year-old college students say (and yes, I was one once, that’s how I know), “queer” is not a catch-all identity for anyone with a not totally “normal” sex life.

And yes, I am crankier than usual because this cuts close to the bone (HA!) for me. I fly both airlines, as I like to say, when it comes to sexuality, but I usually have dated/boned dudes. Part of this is me failing miserably at finding ladies with my interests (where are the hot femme metalhead ladies? Send ’em my way, tout de suite!), but part of it was repressing my lady attraction for a long time due to some really vicious homophobic bullying when I was younger (lesson: if you’re 13 and queer and you live in a small town in Maine, maybe keep that information to yourself). So, don’t talk to me about how the stereotype of the spinster aunt hurts you deeply when I heard, as an adolescent, that I’d be better off dead.

OK, now to follow up all that crankiness with fun times from a queer icon of mine:

~ by Smellen on January 19, 2011.

One Response to “asexuality and CRUSHING YOUR HEAD”

  1. I can’t think out a coherent response right now, but this is a great post. The more it rolls around my noggin, the problem seems to be that our entire world is sexualized – and made heteronormative, for the most part. I was thinkin’ about this regarding touch recently, and how as we’re socialized the spectrum of permitted touch becomes polarized. Again, coherence must wait…

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